Wide Open Answers

I can't claim to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. Still, it's taken me a while but I think I've figured it out. And it is no small problem. But I get ahead of myself.

Christmas this year was much like any other Christmas with the decorations and special meals, the smiling faces, and the occasional song. Plus, as an added bonus, I'm in Afghanistan! And nothing says, "Holiday Cheer" or "Season of Joy" or "What IS that smell?" or "I can literally see the air!" like Christmas in Afghanistan. See? Just your average Christmas. But the day subsequent to Christmas was an entirely different story.

The "After Christmas" party began at about 7am on December 26th. And it started with gusto. Sirens announced its arrival and blaring voices proclaimed its message! INCOMING! INCOMING! INCOMING! Woo Hoo! And all at 7am! So I guess Peace on Earth has its limits, such as, when it's finally over, it ends early in the day, when most normal human beings are either asleep or wishing they were. Here's the point. When your day begins with sirens and an announcement to seek shelter, that day has no point! But, heck, we're in a war zone. Things blow up once in a while, right? The really good news is that those who feel the need to set off our early warning system are really bad at firing indirect fire, indirectly. Either that or they are exceptional at targeting wide open spaces. Plus, being 'mericans, we tend to come up with ideas. One such idea is the Phalanx Weapon System or PWS (as it's more commonly known to me since I just made that up). Anyhoo ... This is more of an anti-weapon weapon than an actual offensive weapon. Quite simply, it scans the air vigilantly looking for things being hurled in our general direction by evil men targeting our innocent wide open spaces. When any hurled thing is detected the PWS (more commonly known as the Phalanx Weapon System) essentially, with a loud "bbbbrrrrrrrrrrr" sound, hurls a wall of metal scraps back at said hurling item causing it to become more metal scraps which land quietly in one of our pristine wide open spaces. So 'twas the day after Christmas when some nitwits decided to let the 'mericans shred some of their favorite toys into tiny bits of shrapnel. Thanks, nitwits!

And it might have ended there, and it did. Until the day after the day after Christmas. On THAT day (which is this day in some parts of the world) things began to really make sense. On THAT day, at approximately 7:06am, our good friends in the hills that love sacrificing their Christmas explosives to the innocence of wide open spaces decided that since the day after Christmas didn't go so well, maybe this was their day! At 7:06am, when most normal human beings are either asleep or wishing they were. It was at that moment that the loudspeaker, in a not-so-hushed tone, again screamed into my life with IMPACT! IMPACT! IMPACT! They'd finally done it. They'd succeeded in destroying one of our treasured wide open spaces...expertly! And as a result, I was told to seek shelter and stay there. Thankfully I have a very secure shower! 'Merica! While I stood there is when I figured it out. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I figured it out.

It's the reason this country is so war-torn. It's the reason its people can't play nice. It's the reason...what IS that smell? These people need sleep! Who gets up before the crack of dawn just to blow up wide-open spaces? The value of a good night's rest seems to escape this culture. We could probably end this decade's long war by giving the good people of Afghanistan, and their not-so-good counterparts who can't aim, a huge supply of Nyquil or Tylenol PM. And if we can convince MyPillow(r) founder and CEO Mike Lindell to donate a million free pillows with the purchase of 5 million or more ... man, this thing would end tomorrow.

See, I've totally figured it out!